Misogyny in the MRM

There's a problem in the men's rights movement, and that problem is misogyny.

Now, I don't believe the MRM is inherently misogynistic - it is, ultimately, a movement concerning itself with men, not women. However, a great deal of discussion within the movement is concerned with women - particularly feminism - and sometimes the discussion goes too far down a road I am not comfortable with. There are certain sites I will not visit, certain forums I will not post on, because of what I find other men on there saying.

The thing is, I do understand why a lot of men in the movement are like this. You see, men tend not to identify themselves as a group - we will divide ourselves by just about every other identity under the sun (colour, race, nationality, religion, geography, class, accent, you name it), but 'men' are not a group, certainly not in the same way as 'women'. We just don't see ourselves that way.

As a result of this, it is very rare for men to spontaneously join the MRM - they will tend to have had something happen to them: a bad divorce; their children taken away from them; finding no support after a domestic violence incident; perhaps a false rape accusation against them or someone close to them; perhaps they have been affected by a law that purports to be 'pro-women', but in its execution becomes 'anti-men'... the list can go on, but it is these things that bring men into the movement. Something has to have happened. And this something has made them angry.

It is hard enough when nothing has happened to you. I myself have not had any particular incident push me here, so I come with no bias attached (or, certainly, as little as can be had). Sometimes, though, reading the stories and articles that come to light every single day, it is impossible not to become angry. Incensed. Absolutely bloody furious.

It is important, when this happens, to retain perspective. I am angry, but I am angry with the situation. I am angry with the politics, laws and societal expectations that allow these things to happen. Sometimes, when I read a story about how a woman did X Y Z, I am angry at the woman. But it is specifically her that I have to confine my anger to - not allow it to spill out and jade my opinion of women overall. Occasionally I may slip, and spend an evening generalising about all women in my head, but this will pass. People are too complex to accurately lump into one huge group, to judge them all based on the actions of a few.

Unfortunately, many men in the MRM seem incapable of doing this, and then we find some very misogynistic writings emerge. It is not healthy for the person doing it, and it is not healthy for the movement as a whole.

And on a personal note, I don't like being associated with these men.

Here's the ultimate problem: in order for the movement to gain momentum, it needs to become more public, its ideas more widely accepted, or at least discussed. Movements do not change societies - societies change when the number of people within them who demand change reaches a critical mass. Movements may act as a catalyst to this, but ultimately nothing will change unless this critical mass is achieved.

In order for that to happen, we need women (and non-aggrieved men) on our side. Particularly women. They are the key. After all, it's not as if women are not affected by these issues as well - whether indirectly (through, say, damage to society), or in fact directly: whatever happens to a man, he is someone's son, father, uncle, brother, boyfriend or husband. What happens to one gender directly affects the other. I predict that when enough women start seeing what is happening to men and boys in our society, and want to do something about it, things will change very, very rapidly.

So this misogynistic talk is incredibly damaging to the movement. I've lost track of the amount of women I've spoken to on discussion boards who have said something along the lines of "I was ready to listen, and then I read ***'s post. You're all a bunch of bitter, woman-hating misogynists" and *click*, we've lost someone who was starting to listen. Someone who may have come onside, started speaking to their female friends about these things, someone who would have put us one step closer to that critical mass... gone. If this carries on, nothing will ever change.

There is talk going on about what to do about it. Glenn Sacks, in particular, has been very vocal about it. But until men start joining the movement, not due to grievances, but due to other less damaging causes, I don't see it stopping. There is not enough self-policing going on, and as these men talk back and forth and encourage each other more and more, the very people we need as our allies are being driven away.

I really don't know what to do about it. It's one of the primary reasons I began this blog, actually - to try to talk to people who aren't involved, to try to talk to people who aren't aggrieved, who have perhaps never thought about this before, to introduce them to these ideas without it being steeped in this damaging dialogue. Perhaps my little bit will help, perhaps it won't, but hopefully I'll be able to look back on this and say that I drew people in, not pushed them away. Hopefully.